Prayer Request

I have a horrible time post partum. After the birth of Roo Boo I had such bad PPD that I was ordered to seek care. I missed the first three months of her life, sadly. With The Boy I knew it was coming and had my MIL come care for me for a week. With BB, it's like I totally forgot that this was a part of my life.

I feel crumby. General anxiety and plain old sadness are upon me again. At least this time I don't feel like getting out of bed will kill me - that bed is simply where I must be. I've spoken with my Dr and changed my meds (upped the dosage) but it takes about a week to kick in. I hit my "week" on this coming Monday and am praying for relief.

On the advice of another PPD mom I also hit the herbal store and started taking Red Raspberry, Blue Cohosh and Ginko Biloba.

As the baby starts to fuss for me again, I must sign off. Please pray for me, my friends. I need His strength to get through this minute by minute.

Today is the Day

It's the first time I've been ALONE since the news of the baby's death. Since the miscarriage on Thursday morning (long story involving a hospital ER visit). Without anyone here.

And so far, I'm okay. The kids are vacationing for a week with the grandparents, sans parents, and Hubbers went to a movie with a buddy. (I didn't feel like seeing Transformers.) I'm home, cleaning up a bit but taking it easy since I'm technically on bedrest for another day, sewing, running laundry. And it's okay.

I feel at peace. A bit saddened but nothing unbearable. The nights are worse than the days. I think of the baby often and feel badly that he will never get to see this world. I know that I really feel bad for me, since he's in a much better place, but he was and is my child.

We will have the remains blessed and will then find a quiet spot to bury him.

Good news, though - Testosterhome's Susan had her baby! Run on over there and see the precious little boy, Henry.

Also, pray for M who had a hysterectomy done on Wednesday. My prayers, sweetie!

Hurting, Sorrow... Healing

It hurts so very, very much, this loss of someone I didn't even know yet. My body is still sharing his space, but he's very much gone. Today is better than the shock of yesterday. I feel more at peace but know there is a long road ahead.

I have post-partum depression quite badly after the birth of my children, starting with #3. I take meds that are so helpful and receive therapy when it's very bad.

When I was so sick after #3 (RooBoo) was born, I was advised to check into the hospital or go be cared for by someone capable. I chose to spend the two weeks it took for my meds to kick in staying with my mother-in-law. She cared for me and all my children while I recovered. After the birth of TheBoy (#4), she came and spent a week with me, helping me settle into my own house.

So now, when the hurting is so bad, when the anxiety is ramping up, when I can't bear to be away from home without nearly going out of my skin, my blessed mother-in-law will have us stay again. She will love and care for me as if I were her own child and not the stranger who married her last son.

We had planned to visit next week already. The kids enjoy spending a week with Gramma and Grampa attending vacation bible school each summer. But this time, we're all staying.

Hubbers. He is hurting, too. I feel such sorrow at his pain, wishing I could ease it. He is here for me, just to hold me, whenever I need. We've spent much of the past two days telling each other of our love, and how it will be okay. He needs to spend some time at Gramma's house, too, soaking up her loving reassurance.

I had prepared a number of posts for the week we were to be gone, and will post them daily. They're my normal, hopeful self.

Hubbers and I will heal, in time. There may even be another baby somewhere waiting for us. Whatever comes, our little one will be looking down from heaven, awaiting OUR arrival.