Mother’s job is to dilate; Baby’s job is to rotate.: Spinning Babies - Easier childbirth through fetal positioning.
Skunk smells his own hole first: Gramma Jo
Yes, that has nothing to do with what I started this post about, but sitting here with the kids and hearing them talk about gas, this is what popped out of Gramma's mouth. Gotta love her.
After that, she told us a joke about 3 moles who were hungry for breakfast. The first little mole woke up, stuck his head out of the burrow and sniffed for food. "Yum! I smell turnips" and off he went. The second little mole woke up and sniffed for breakfast. "Yum! I scent carrots!" and off he went. The third little mole sniffed around and said to himself, "I don't know what those guys are talking about, all I smell is molasses."
To which I countered, Did you know chickens are related to dinosaurs? When our chickens lay double yolk eggs they are three times the size of a normal egg. They are the chickensore*ss.
Watch as the Sienna Family drops their hot new single, Swagger Wagon.
This goes out to all you minivan families out there who get a Sienna SE
for space but fill it with your family's swagger. To learn more about
the Sienna SE visit http://toyota.com/sienna
or download the free MP3 at http://toyotaswaggerwagon.com .
Special
shout-out to Black Iris Music and makers of Yoo-hoo.*
(LYRICS)
[INTRO
MOM AND DAD]
Yeah
This one goes out to all you minivan
families out there. Sienna SE...in the house. Where my
mother/fathers at? Where my kids at?
Where my kids at? Where
my kids at? Where my kids at? Where my kids at? Where my
kids at?
No, seriously honeywhere are the kids? They're right
there, see? Oh, cool beans.
[VERSE DAD] I roll hard
through the streets and the cul-de-sacs, Proud parent of an honor
roll student, Jack. I got a swing in the front, a tree house in the
back, My #1 Dad mug says, Yeah, Im the Mack.
[VERSE MOM] I'm
the world's best nurse when my kids get sick, I make a mean
gel-mold, I perfected my tricks, Back when I used to party as a
college chick. Now I'm cruising to their playdates lookin' all
slick...
[CHROUS] In my Swagger Wagon, Yeah, the Swagger
Wagon, It's the Swagger Wagon, I got the pride in my ride. In
my Swagger Wagon, Yeah, the Swagger Wagon, It's the Swagger Wagon.
[VERSE
DAD]
Check it...
I love hangin' with my daughter sippin'
tea, keep my pinky up, All the drawings on my fridge sport an A+. I'm
an awesome parent, (Right!) and it's apparent, (True!) And in this
house there's no mother/father swearin'.
[VERSE MOM] Straight
owning bake sales with my cupcake skills, I'm better with the money,
so I handle the bills, And I always buy in bulk, ain't afraid of no
spills. Every Mother's Day proves...I'm kind of a big deal.
Daughter:
Mommy, I need to go potty.
Bring the beat back, 'cause, yo, I
got more to say, You know I'm always front and center at the school
play. I kiss their boo-boos, clean doggie doo-doos, Cut the crust
off of PB&Js, chill the Yoo-hoos.
[VERSE DAD]
Singin'
"Farmer in the Dell" in perfect harmony, When I'm rollin' with my
posse in the HOV. We rock the SE, not an SUV, And it's true, if I
were you, I'd be jealous of me...
[CHORUS]
*YOO-HOO is a
registered trademark of Mott's LLP. All rights reserved.
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge.... mostly sweet, with a few nuts 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
TEAM Leader Chris Brady is such a funny guy! Frank was at this convention and saw this presentation in full and laughed his butt right off the chair. Enjoy this excerpt:
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie
The prison was monitoring outgoing mail and... At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area. Not finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
Yup, it's time to plant for the spring and I have 1) no money and 2) no time. Guess my spring flowers will have to wait... (sigh)
So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on a mat in our bathroom.
Well we have 3 kids, and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves Chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my Chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my Chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to, but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.
Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush trying to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up.
Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.
We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car, and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere, and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my Chapstick VERY carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right -- their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind. And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.
And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your Chapstick on the cat's butt.
We close on our new house in just 15 days. Needless to say I'm in the middle of packing and cleaning, and still hoping for a quick sale on our current house. It makes me nervous, but I know that God has us in hand. Keep us in your prayers, won't you?
The kids are SO excited! We visited the house last week for the inspection process and the kids enjoyed 3 hours of outside play without a whine among them. Looks like the choice was a success! We are all looking forward to the move and the new house.
While on my travels around the town, I found this funniest sign to share with you. I know that I'm warped and took it out of context, but warning someone that you're slow? Yeah, I thought so...
Farm Kid (Now at San Diego Marine Corps Recruit Training)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer. - Alfred North Whitehead
I don't much care for that word "boobs" but what else can they be as shown in this picture:
Yes, I did Google "Asian Boob Scarf", Sally, and only waded through two pages of "lusty Asian girls" on the image results before finding these lovely ladies. You don't think of genteel looking Asian women being willing to wear these AND have the photos taken, somehow.
The Asian cultural display keeps surprising us. Now it’s time for the “boob scarf”. They have quitted details and they are also customized in the style of Tattoos close to the nipples.
Multicultural breasts available: now in small, large or green...
OKAY. How would you pronounce this child's name: "Le-a" ??
Leah?? NO Lee - A?? NOPE Lay - a?? NO Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash. If they axe you why, tell them the dash don't be silent.
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too.
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Ui nervtisy.
It dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh?
Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.
Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U. S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq .
The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.
Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.' The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'
Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in ' New York , so I'd like to hear the song 'The Moon and Me one last time.' The terrorist's leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson was satisfied.
Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'
The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'
The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. US Marine, what is your final wish?'
'Kick me in the a$*,' said the Marine.
'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'
'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the a$*,' insisted the Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the a$$. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, with his knife he slashed the throat of one with an AK-47, which he took, and sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11!
In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask himto kick you in the a$$?'
'What!?!' replied the Marine, 'and have you three jerks report that I was the aggressor....?
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my own doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground. I was hoping you could spread my list out -- over several Christmases.
Since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles; and who knows when I'll find any more free time in the next 18 years, so now - -
*** Here are my Christmas wishes ***
* I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (-in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.
* I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
* If you're hauling big-ticket items this year, I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
* On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, 'Yes, Mommy' to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
* I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, 'Don't eat in the living room' and 'Take your hands off your brother,' because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.
* If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
*If you don't mind, I could also use a few miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.
*It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.
Well, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing, and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his red crayon back. Have a safe trip Santa, and remember to leave your wet boots by the door, and come in and dry off, so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours always with love and appreciation,
- A Mom
P.S. One more thing . . You can cancel all my requests, if you can keep my children 'young' enough to believe in Santa.
