Jul 2, 2008

Dilemma, Conundrum, Heavy Thoughts

I saw the Dr for my 37.5 week appointment on Monday and got some heavy news. Because I'm insulin dependent for the gestational diabetes, I have a higher risk of stillbirth closer to and beyond my due date. The long and short of it is that the Dr wants to induce on next Wednesday.

The thought of stillbirth, of losing a second child in less than a year is horrendous. I have no doubt that should something happen, I would be unhinged for quite a while. The anxious mommy part of me says "YES! Let's have the baby right NOW!!"

But I had hoped for so much different this time around. I wanted a naturally starting labor, no drugs (my labors are about 4 hours long), a doula, a VBAC. With an induction, I have a 2x greater risk of another C section. With each intervention I get further and further away from my goal of natural childbirth.

Hubbers is set against an induction. "It will be fine", he says. "The baby will be fine. Nothing will happen to the baby." How can he assure me of that? How does he know? He will do what I want, what I decide. The doula tells me that we must both be at absolute peace with whatever decision we make. She tells me that she'll support me in whatever decision I make.

My body is changing, the cervix is dilating (at 2 on Monday) and softening. I bought some black cohosh to help stimulate contractions and have been taking it since Monday but nothing yet. I think I've seen some of the mucous plug, but then again...

My wants are warring with each other and I don't feel competent to make this decision. I want it all, the entire dream wrapped up in a silk ribbon. I'm praying that God takes the decision out of my hands and brings the baby on his own before Monday when I have to present the Dr with my decision. Every little twinge, each sleepless, restless night, every backache seems to torment me.

Pray for me, dear bloggy buds, to have God's great and glorious wisdom and good counsel in this decision.

Meanwhile, Roo Boo is turning 7 today!! My baby girl. When did she get so big?

She picked out her own cake this year - pink and yellow with a play cell phone on top. I got her gifts that I hope she loves - a moses basket for her baby doll, velvet coloring pages, a mini radio for her room, and so on.

I didn't get the invitations sent out for her friends party in time, so after the kids get back from Vacation Bible School in SLC with Gramma, we'll have the friends over for a party. I feel bad about my slackness, but I hope she understands. She says she does, but then again, she's only 7.

My baby girl. My Roo Boo. Happy birthday, you drama queen.


Ranee said...

I don't have any answers for you, but I will be praying. I am going in for my fourth c-section (after two natural births, one with a midwife), on Tuesday. It is now medically necessary for me to do that. It's the hardest part of pregnancy for me now. I gave birth so easily, and now I know that I face surgery with each child.

Anonymous said...

That is a lot for one post.
I wish I could be there to give the birthday girl a hug and then a big hug to you. I'll keep you in mind when I say my rosary tonight.

Take it easy. Hand your fears over to God and listen for His voice. And don't forget that sometimes it comes disguised as mommy intuition. ;)

Awesome Mom said...

Good luck with your decision. I hope that everything works out and you give birth to a healthy baby.

Barb, sfo said...

Prayers for you and Baby--and for RooBoo who is such a big girl! May all of you be happy and healthy.
You're on the Pocket Rosary list I have going...and I know a certain friend of mine checks that and prays too!
I have had my younger 2 kids induced and we all got through it. But perhaps Baby will come along sooner than that, and then you won't have to stress over that decision!

Aimee said...

Happy Birthday, Roo Boo!

As for your other concerns, I will keep you in my prayers. I know what it's like to be faced with such questions and to truly not know what direction to choose.

It does sound good that you are already 2 cm, though. That's pretty favorable. Does your doctor think that an induction will go easily?

Hopefully this will all be a moot point if your little one decides to head out without intervention. :)

Praying for you, mama.

AZMom said...

Happy Birthday to Roo Boo! WOW! I can't believe she is 7!

As for your decision, if it were me, I would want to make certain that nothing would happen to my baby and go with the induction next week. But this is just ME talking. You do what YOU think is best.

Love you!

tegdirb92 said...

Yes, I remember taking that walk with you last year, and finally you will have a beautiful baby in your arms in a few weeks at most. I am so very proud of your strength. You continue to be in my prayers.


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