Birth - as described by a 2nd Grader

The “Middle Wife” by An Anonymous 2nd Grade Teacher

I've been teaching for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself but
the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade
classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually
show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,
and pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place
any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to
school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. “This is
Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.”
“First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put
a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine
months through an umbrella cord.” She’s standing there with her hands on
the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder
with me.

The kids are watching her in amazement. “Then, about two Saturdays ago,
my Mom starts saying and going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’ “Erica puts a hand
behind her back and groans. “She walked around the house for, like an
hour, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh!”’ Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and
groaning. “My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she
doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my Mom to
lie down in bed like this.” Then Erica lies down with her back against
the wall. “And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there
in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed,
like psshhheew!” This kid has her legs spread with her little hands
miming water flowing away. It was too much! “Then the middle wife starts
saying push, push,’ and ‘breathe, breathe.’ They started counting, but
never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He
was covered in yucky stuff and they all said it was from Mom’s
play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.” Then Erica
stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I
applauded the loudest.

Ever since then, when it’s show-and- tell day, I bring my camcorder, just
in case another “Middle Wife” comes along.